Break Up Resolution

[weirddreams]

Jack had helped him with his crazy plan, but it required some research and other factors out of his hands. For starters, a piece of him had to still be with Ruby. He wasn't sure what it was yet it had to exist. They hadn't spoken by correspondence for a year now. Well, Ruby hadn't. His letters had gone ignored and his effort to write them had slowed even though his desperation to get in touch with her had only grown. It had been weeks since he wrote the last one when this crazy idea had first come to him and quickly blossomed into a steadfast possibility (re: opportunity).

What was crazy about it? It wasn't that he could come back one more time in reincarnation. It was only having one chance to speak to Ruby directly and mend even a small piece of the bridge he had broken in the first place. He knew it would never be the same again. It was an overwhelming move because he couldn't expect her to forgive him either.

Jack had only given him the count down from three before his consciousness found him in a hotel room. Looking at his hands, he could tell he was not corporal but neither a ghost. There was no sign of anybody in the room...

Until he focused enough to separate the noises. The rhythmic banging against the wall from next door or low hum from miniature fridge wasn't what he was looking for. The swooshing of water coming from the cracked bathroom door caught his attention. He turned to it, deducing from the room at large (one queen size bed, no luggage to be found) that nothing in particular being around gave good odds of being Ruby's temporary residence. He considered his options as he approached the door and stopped just before walking through it...

Or so he thought.

His legs carried him through the threshold, in a ghostly manner straight through the physical door. In the back of his mind, he knew the best step forward was to reveal himself rather than call to her from behind a wall. Of course it would startle her. He tensed once aware of what he did and readied himself for her response to his sudden appearance whatever it be. Politely, he kept his eyes on anything above her shoulders but he locked on how gorgeous she was after not seeing her so long. Heaven or pictures could never match up to how beautiful she was in person.

Once she saw him, he knew he had to say something. All he could muster was an apologetic face, understanding for the rage that would burst forward that he would accept in the moments to follow. Words would surely flow once he had some direction.

Comments

[peaceonearth]

Ruby was worse than mad; Ruby was hurt and that wasn't an emotion she dealt with well. Once Sam had told her what happened, she'd cut off all contact with him and had gone on an intense hunting spree. She hadn't been back to their house either and she hadn't been in contact with Sam. That had hurt almost as much as his betrayal, but she thought she was doing the right thing for Sam.

The only things Ruby really traveled with were in the bathroom with her: a duffel of clothes, a toiletry bag, and bubble bath. She felt Sam before she saw him and reached for her knife on the edge of the tub. She turns, not getting out of the tub yet, knife in hand, eyes solid black. She pales, her hold on the knife tightening. "How did you get in here?" It's clear from the tone of her voice, she doesn't think that this is Sam. The threshold and the windows are warded. He shouldn't have been able to be here.

[weirddreams]

Honestly, he had hoped she would keep communication open with him to resolve it somehow. He never lost that small optimism that she would write back once her hurt had come full circle. He wouldn't deny that he deserved to be cut off from contact. She may have thought it was the right thing for him, but all the while he saw where he had gone wrong. Madison wasn't in the picture since that night. Sam was the only one feeling they needed to talk about it and that feeling grew almost to the point it was a ghostly obsession.

Once standing in the bathroom, his attention doesn't sweep anywhere else but on to her. Otherwise he might have caught on to the fact her duffel bag is newer and not the one he bought specially for her the days when they still traveled on the road or her bubble bath was still the product she made when he was alive. The knife won't do much to hurt him as he is now (nor does he instinctively expect her to try) so he doesn't so much as flinch when his eyes catch sight of the blade. Her black eyes won't scare him either, but he can see from her other features that she is on guard. His palms go up. "I had a little help from Jack," he answers honestly. Whatever she is thinking right now, his gut tells him that he needs to make her believe it is truly him. She's not just seeing things. "I wanted to see you, too." Wards couldn't have stopped Jack. It did mean that Sam couldn't go anywhere either.

[peaceonearth]

Ruby had decided that Sam was only contacting her because he felt guilty. She wasn't doing it (at least after a few weeks) because he deserved it, but because she thought that was a sign that he needed to start a new life and make Heaven actually Heaven instead of some sort of permanent prison where he was always living a half-life without her.

The duffel bag is in the house; she'd needed to try and put some distance between herself and things that reminded her of them. She notices that he doesn't flinch and that actually makes her relax a tiny bit as well as his palms going up. It's the mention of Jack that really does it. He's one of the few things that can circumvent her wards. She hesitates and then puts the knife back on the edge of the tub. If Jack helped him get here, her knife isn't going to do much. She grabs the towel hanging on the hook and stands up without any shame, but makes quick work of wrapping the towel around her body. She tucks it in securely and steps out of the tub. There's a part of her that wants nothing more than to run to him and see if he's corporal enough to tackle kiss. There's another part of her that wants to tell him to get out. Her eyes flicker back to green and well with tears. Her voice is choked when she speaks. "It's--you're really here.' She crosses her arms over her chest to keep herself from reaching out to him and to hold herself together so that she doesn't fall apart.

[weirddreams]

That was never the case (even if it was a part of the story.) Heaven was a prison and it didn't always make him feel at peace after a life well lived. He could never get his head around starting a new life.

Fair enough. By the looks of it, she was managing the day by day on her own just fine. His worst fear when she had gone no contact with him was that she would do something reckless that would get her removed from the board. He had to rely on updates from other sources to have any knowledge of her health. Maybe Jack could have picked a better time and place for their reunion. More or less, Sam understands Ruby created a boundary and it does not feel right to stare directly at her once she stands up from the bubbles in the water. His gaze adverts to the mirror where he can see himself and right through himself too. He doesn't actually need breath but he finds himself taking in air to balance himself. Eventually, he turns his eyes back on Ruby. As far as he is concerned, her black eyes are beautiful but they make it difficult to read her. When they flicker to green, it is easier. The whole of her body language tells a story of the sadness he caused. His whole chest fills with regret built up over the last year, and eyes don't do well in hiding his shame. He holds back from teaching her assuredly or embracing her in a hug simply because he does not have permission to do so.

"I came to talk to you directly." Her body language suggests to him that she is closed off. Still, the way he phrases it and pauses there pleads (not pushes) for her permission to continue.

[peaceonearth]

A part of Ruby had known that their long-distance relationship hadn't been sustainable, but there'd been no other acceptable options for them.

There are scars that he'll see later. Ruby had been reckless. She is still being reckless, but she's very hard to kill, particularly when the weapons that can kill her are locked up carefully and the angels aren't interested in offing her. Ruby is surviving, but nothing else. That explains why Cas and Jack occasionally check up on her. At least they're alone in a place they can talk. There are a lot of nights that Ruby spends in the car or driving. It would be harder for her if they were trapped in a car. She has set a boundary, but she's not worried about Sam seeing her; he's seen her naked millions of times. There's even a tiny part of her that wonders why he's not looking at her (is it because of Madison, is he no longer attracted to her, does he not want to see her--insecurity isn't something Ruby has had to deal with for more than a century).

She is sad and she's been trying to hide it from herself. The shame in his eyes does a little to help her open a little. Her posture takes on a slightly defensive tone, chin lifting a bit. She's not going to shame him and she doesn't want pity, particularly from him.

"Why? If you need to be absolved of your sins...you are. I get it. It's unbelievably lonely. I don't need apologies or your guilt. You're free, Sam. For whatever you want to do with your afterlife." Her tears were threatening to win and she dashes the one that trickles down her cheek away with one hand. "I'll be fine. I'm a demon, remember? I can survive anything."

[weirddreams]

He had thrived with 100 years of writing back and forth with her, watching old videos of her so the sound would lull him to sleep. No, there were really no other options for them.

He will have to take each new scar in stride because they're a stark reminder of what led Ruby to be reckless in the first place. He'd be relieved to know the weapons that could kill her remain in lock up. The feral life isn't one he wishes for her. To be fair, Cas and Jack care for her well being too. They checked up on her to stay in touch. Being in the passenger seat next to her might seem like old times though. It's far better that they're stationary so she doesn't do something like swerve off the road. It hadn't even occurred to him that she might think that he's not looking at her because it signifies her worst fear. There's always the understanding between them that she can ask him anything (of course in a few moments or many, he will dispel those thoughts when he starts opening up about why he's made it here).

It's particularly hard to know where to start first. As the party responsible for this whole mess, he does not think she deserves any excuses as to why it happened nor any expectation of her forgiveness. He takes a deep breath while he watches her posture stiffen to his presence. Somebody needs to start. That lies on him.

She cuts in before he can and he listens, shaking his head after. "Forgiveness, maybe. But that's not the whole reason I'm here. Being 'free' from you is not what I want at all." He pauses for a time, more than he means to really. Her whole bit about having an afterlife ever after doesn't sit well with him. There's no afterlife with the empty feeling in his soul. There's a big piece missing without her. This time he doesn't stop himself from instinctively bringing his hand up to touch her cheek. It's still wet where she wiped away the tear. "There's just so much I want to tell you. For starters, I just want to talk to you. I want it to be us again." Maybe he should tell her it's possible to do it all over again first, but it doesn't feel right holding that over her before truly coming to a resolution. Her tears do more in telling the truth than her words do.

[peaceonearth]

She had survived the same way and if she couldn't have him back, she wouldn't have it any other way.

Eventually, he'll have the chance. She's not trying to hide any of them from him now, but she's not showing them off either. Ruby doesn't have a death wish; she's still got a lot of things she needs to do. Feral is the perfect way to describe Ruby now. She puts on a good act when she calls or sees the girls; she doesn't want them to worry any more than they already do. That feralness is why she's forgotten that Jack and Cas care about her and aren't just keeping tabs on her. They're no longer on the same page: too much time, too much distance, too much pain. Once upon a time, she could ask him anything. Now she's afraid of the answers he might give and how they might hurt.

She doesn't mean to lay that on him, but it is on him. She doesn't want excuses. She wouldn't accept them if he gave them.

She's quiet a moment, afraid to be hopeful and afraid that if she is, they'll go through this again eventually. She can't help but lean into his touch, eyes welling with more tears; he's corporal enough to touch her and it's somthing she didn't think she'd ever have again. She closes her eyes, giving herself a moment to enjoy it. . She looks up at him, trying to steel herself, protect herself. "Really, Sam? Are you sure? I've got a lot more good to do to balance out all the bad, and then when I finally am tired of all of this, I won't go to Heaven with you. I'll take a knife to myself and just cease to exist. It will always be letters and occasionally talking to you and never getting to really be us. Just a ghost of what we were. Are you sure that's enough? I can't ---" she stops, biting her lips hard to keep her tears back. she can't have that ghost of them and lose it again.

[weirddreams]

There should have been a way to produce itself sooner.

It might take him time to see her feral side and not the old Ruby that could ask anything. Time, unfortunately, moves slower in Heaven where a year could only be the longest month in existence. It was too long. Unfortunately, they don't have the time they need to catch up either. There isn't a time limit on their visit but it won't be enough to even start to mend the wounds together. The answers he'd have if she only asked her questions might surprise her.

Exactly. There's nothing to change what happened. No excuses. Words might fail him as he opens his mouth to speak,

"Of course" He starts barely a whisper as emotion chokes out of him. His hand moves to support the wait of her head in his palm. He can't hide how she envisions it ending for them or her hurts him to his core. A coldness fills him up as if it already truly happened. He inhales sharply in pure instinct. "You don't know that," he protests. "You're worthy. I've seen it myself with everything you've done to right the wrongs forced upon you to do. There's room in Heaven for everyone... with how Jack and Cas have changed the rules. What if there was another way to start all over again?" he lets slip. He meant to ease into it but it's more urgent now than ever with the threat of her ending it. He needn't think much at all to brush his thumb to her lips to encourage her not to bite or draw more blood.

"It wouldn't have to be letters and static conversations..."

[peaceonearth]

It's a life that does her any particular favors and she'd just as soon he not see that feral side of her, but it's how she's able to carry on for the moment. No and she suspects they can't just stay in this room uninterrupted forever.

Fortunately, if words fail him, Ruby will give him the opportunity to take his time. She does want to hear what he has to say even if she is a little afraid of it. Now that he's said he wants them back, it relieves a little of her fear about what he might say. She doesn't have to be concerned about him telling her that he wants an afterlife that doesn't include her. They just have to figure out how to make that better than the one they had. Little does she know he's already done that.

She half smiles at Sam. "I'll keep that in mind when it's time." To off herself, she means. Heaven would definitely be a better end than she had hoped for in any case, and if she could go there she would be with Sam eventually, assuming he didn't give up on her. His slip makes her furrow her brow. She's dubious but interested. "What do you mean? Start all over?" Of course, then he touches her again and words seem to matter less. She dips her head just a little so that she can catch the tip of this thumb with her teeth the way she did when he was alive.

His words make her focus again. "How? What would it be?" She takes a step back to impose a bit of space between them so that neither of them get distracted again. This seems important.

[weirddreams]

He has found a way. It's too late for him to stop himself from telling her what he ment, but he watches her for a moment to make sure her reaction isn't unwilling to hear it. For another moment, her teeth on his thumb (he can feel the scrap of her teeth) and that surprises him too. Finally, when she steps back, he gathers himself partially to confirm with the Bob of his head.

"Ruby, tell me you're not really thinking of ending it."

The lack of distraction helps him piece more of the answer together for her. The sooner she hears it, the less desperate the situation may be for the both of them.

"Reincarnation." For the how, "I talked to Cas and he let it slip that souls can be reborn and live life again. Sometimes they remember their past lives, other times they don't. It's possible...for us."

[peaceonearth]

She can't help it; she misses him and as far as she knows, this is the closest she'll ever be to that again. She sighs at his question.

"Not now. Not yet." It's the most she can promise because yes, one of these days she will be tired of this life, of living in general. "I don't want to live forever alone, Sam. Not anymore. And I never wanted to live without you."

They've always gotten distracted by each other. Of course, that would hold true now.

Her brow furrows a little at his solution. "It would be your soul though? You just wouldn't remember me?" her mind is already turning over the possibilities. Could she get Sam to fall in love with her again with different circumstances?

[weirddreams]

Her answer is straightforward and honest; he appreciates that. At this point all he can do is share with her the news and answer her questions rather than get more distressed about her ending her existence.

Always and again.

"It would be me. There's a chance I will remember eventually and there's a chance I won't. But one thing is certain, I wouldn't remember you in the beginning." He's considered the same possibilities as her, about falling in love with her all over again. He can see that he'd be drawn only to her all over again if she were close. The cards are all in her hands.

[peaceonearth]

Neither of them realizes that by the time she's tired of her existence, they'll have a solution for that. She does try not to lie to him even when the answer isn't one he'll like. She's always been that way.

Ruby hesitates and turns it all over in her head. "So...I wouldn't want to be your mother. Who's going to raise you? I mean, I could be there. I'd want to be there for your whole life, but I also don't want you to see me as a mom or an aunt or...someone you can't fall in love with again." She pauses again. "I'm still going to be in love with you and it doesn't matter how old or how young you are," she tells him almost like a warning. "Not that I'd do anything inappropriate...you know what I mean." She loves his soul and that's true no matter what vessel that soul is in. "Do you...have you talked to Jack? It can't be any of our family no matter how extended they are." Her mind is whirring with about a thousand questions, but her demeanor is hopeful, a little excited even. Sure, she's worried, but if she can be close to Sam, she thinks he can fall in love with her again.

[weirddreams]

There's a lot more questions than he has the answers for. Sam listens to them all. He lets her finish before offering what he does know, "I've talked to Jack; he is on board. The rest I don't have an answer for. We will have to find a family willing to take it on. We can make certain conditions and have to be willing to accept some conditions from whomever we find." He's just as certain that he could fall in love with her all over again. He knows she would never do anything inappropriate nor could she be his mother or aunt. He's only asking her to give it a chance if she wants another chance. His eyes don't turn away from her for even a moment, seeing the hope in her eyes. His own sense of hope grows too.

[peaceonearth]

Just voicing the questions helps Ruby think through this. She won't have a face-to-face with Sam again to bounce these off. "I can work on that. Both the family and the contract." Because that's what it sounds like to her: a contract. She will always want another chance with Sam. And a third and a fourth. Right now she'll focus on that second chance. "I'll talk to Jack eventually and share with you what I find." The silent treatment is over, but only because she knows now that he doesn't want a life without her.

"This is what you want right? Going through high school again and puberty. I'll make sure they aren't active hunters so you get to stay in one place. What kind of life do you want?"

[weirddreams]

He'd only been thinking about his new life in reaching out to her again. Her questions require deeper thought than he was ready for. He considers each carefully, but there's already something deeper than any answer he can ever provide.

"Of course. Maybe not puberty all over again, if I knew the difference. Good thing I won't? I don't mean to put a lot of pressure on you, but trust you will know who will be good parents. Remember, you did good by our girls. I trust it will be one place because I trust you." Far as he can tell she already has a good idea of what he'd hope for. It wouldn't be fair to limit the possibilities by saying anything more.

[peaceonearth]

That makes sense though because a life with her is why he's doing this. She appreciates that he's focused on that, but he's giving up Heaven and subjecting himself to an entire lifetime on earth again. She needs him to think about those things as well.

Without thinking about it, Ruby steps closer, her hands falling to Sam's waist. She's close enough that he can probably feel her breath on his skin. She swallows hard and nods. "I promise, I'll find someone perfect and I'll tell you about them too so you can approve." She hesitates, looking up at him, watching his expression and his eyes, looking for signs that there's any hesitation or concern from him. "I keep expecting to wake up. To have this all be--it feels too good to be true."

[weirddreams]

He'll eventually return to Heaven as all things do. He's already had a conversation with Dean about it (unavoidably, given their history). He's thought about it more than she could ever know.

He can't take his eyes off of her, but her approach spurs his own subconscious to move a step forward and materialize in place more. He's convinced he can feel her hand brush against him (when in fact he can). He realizes it slowly and nudges his hand against hers, testing the idea, desperately wanting it to be true. Her expression implies there might be some doubt in her mind and genuinely he pauses. "Is it too much to ask of you?" If she's looking for hesitation on his part, the only amount she will find is him worrying about placing too much on her plate. "Don't worry about the perfect family. I'm not asking for that."

He definitely can feel her breath unevenly on his skin. He hopes he can say something to even her nerves out. "I hear you. No dream--just the only catch is time between now and then."

[peaceonearth]

Good. She wouldn't want something like that weighing on him or on Dean. She'll be encouraged and grateful he's thought about this and she'll discuss it with him in letters to come.

She feels his hand against hers and looks up, surprise etched on her face. Just how far did Jack go in giving them this meeting. She shakes her head at his question, keeping her focus on the reason for this meeting. "No. I want someone who will let me be there from the moment you're born again, if that's okay with you. I want to be there for everything. I just don't want you to think of me as a mom or a sister or even an aunt."

She half smiles at that catch. "I've been waiting for a hundred years with only letters and the occasional phone call. Nineteen years is nothing, Sam."

[weirddreams]

The ball is entirely in her court. He'll wait for her first letter so he knows he isn't pushing her more than she can handle.

As they both are aware, it takes more than a day to master ghostly abilities. He does want it to work badly enough, and realizing it himself, he takes it in stride and cups her face a little more firmly. It doesn't even occur to him Jack granted him this much leniency. He doesn't stop until his fingers run along her neck. Focus, he also manages to tell himself. "I did always say there was a way for everything. If that's what you want, all my money is on that you'll figure it out. I'm with you, whatever you want. There's only one thing you'll always be to me." His wife, of course. In the years following his reincarnation though, all he will be able to ascertain is that she's (his) Ruby.

She's beautiful when she smiles and he soaks it in. "Nineteen years is still a lengthy time. I won't be able to talk to you like this. I already miss you."

[peaceonearth]

He won't have to wait long. She'll think over it and do some initial research so that she's got something of worth to tell him.

She wasn't expecting him to be able to stay visible this long much less so solid looking. That he has the ability to touch her is the most surprising, though she ought not to underestimate Jack. Later, she realizes that any anger she felt toward him fled the moment she saw him and she might have to make him promise again in writing that he won't break her heart again like that, that he really is okay with leaving Heaven and knowing that this new life they're planning will one day end as well and they'll be (as far as they know) back in the same place again. She shivers at the touch on her neck and leans closer. Hesitantly, she touches his lips with her fingertips, a smile spreading over her face when she realizes that he is solid and they can touch. She will be whatever he needs her to be, but always his.

"You're right. It is a long time, but we've already waited longer. For nineteen years, it will be different between us, but I promise I'll be there. I'll be a part of your life and we'll talk every day."

[weirddreams]

He will acknowledge all of it. For starters, Dean already knows that he is doing this for her. That he is aware that one day it will all end again. That even so, he can't exist for another second in Heaven without her. Whether it needs to be in writing, demon deal, spoken, or shown through an action, Ruby can ask for as many promises not to repeat her heartbreak all over again. Every single promise would be the truth.

His eyes close for a moment to let the healing in and a smile out. His ability to hold on to the physical wasn't meant to be forever and the touch of his hand starts to fade. He tells himself it doesn't matter as the absence of her won't be forever. "That's more than I could hope for. When I get my memories back, not if, I'll do you one better and remind you of one thing I remember every day."

[peaceonearth]

Dean can and will deal with it. He's got lots of people in Heaven to distract him. She's more concerned that Sam really is okay with leaving Dean (and Heaven and any chance at a second life with fewer complications with Madison). She wants to make sure it wasn't a rash decision to get her to talk to him again.

No, it's not forever, but Ruby can't help being a little disappointed when she feels that touch fade. She keeps her eyes closed, trying to hold onto that feeling for just a little while longer. "I'll hold you to that and a lot more like another life with me and I intend to make sure you live as long as possible."

[weirddreams]

And in twenty some odd years, they can write to each other. Sam promised his brother as much as it is what he thought Dean should hear. No, it wasn't an easy decision for him to come to, but it was the right one for him personally. It's not a rash decision by any means (not after he talked about it and did his research.)

It makes two of them feel that sense of emptiness when he can't hold on to it. He can't ask her to open her eyes because somehow he knows the visit is coming to a close; if he disappeared now, she wouldn't have to witness it. "You're very good at that," he assures her. The exact number of years he had lived before hasn't the time to cross his lips. He was right that time he time on earth was up...